The Stupid Sh#@t People Say in Recipe Comment Sections

As someone who spends an inordinate amount of time on recipe sites it never ceases to amaze me the comments people leave.  They fall into categories, but my favorite is: I didn’t make the recipe as written instead I … and then they conclude, but I didn’t think it was a very good recipe.  WTF?

Such is life in the age of the internet.  The next post will be a recipe so after reading the comments below you will be prepared to leave comments for me about how to remake my apple date square recipe – without butter, wheat or dates (they have too much sugar!) otherwise it’s a great recipe! 😉

This was sent to me by a friend so apologies for not giving the original source ,if you know it please leave it in the comments.

Enjoy.

“I didn’t have any eggs, so I replaced them with a banana-chia-flaxseed pulse. It turned out terrible; this recipe is terrible.”

“I don’t have any of these ingredients at home. Could you rewrite this based on the food I do have in my house? I’m not going to tell you what food I have. You have to guess.”

“I don’t eat white flour, so I tried making it with raw almonds that I’d activated by chewing them with my mouth open to receive direct sunlight, and it turned out terrible. This recipe is terrible.”

“Could you please give the metric weight measurements, and sometime in the next twenty minutes; I’m making this for a dinner party and my guests are already here.”

“i dont have an oven, can i still make this? please reply immediately”

“Does anyone know if you can make this ahead of time and freeze it?”

“Have you thought about making a sugar-free version of this?”

“Can you give us a calorie breakdown for this?”

“I followed this to the letter, except I substituted walnuts and tofu for the skirt steak, ditched the cheese entirely, and replaced the starch with a turnip salad. Turned out great. My seven-year-old boys have never seen a dessert and I’ve convinced them that walnut-and-turnip salad is “cake.” Thanks for the recipe!”

“I’m having a lot of trouble signing up for your newsletter. Can you please assist?”

“a warning that if you cook this at 275°F for three hours instead of at 400°F for twenty-five minutes it’s completely ruined. do you have any suggestions?”

“I didn’t have buttermilk, so I just poured baking soda into a container of raspberry yogurt. It tasted terrible.”

“I love this recipe! I added garlic powder, Italian seasoning, a few flakes of nutritional yeast, half a bottle of kombucha, za’atar, dried onion, and biscuit mix to mine. Great idea!”

“Due to dietary restrictions, I am only able to eat Yatzhee dice. I made the necessary substitutions, and it turned out great.”

“If you use olive oil for any recipe that’s cooked over 450°F, the oil will denature and you will get cancer. This post is irresponsible. You should only use grapeseed oil you’ve pressed yourself in a very cold room.”

“[600-word description of what they ate today] so this will make a great addition!”

“I just started Paleo yesterday, and I’m wondering if there’s a way to make this without the ingredients.”

“I was all out of cake flour, so I transfigured my hands into puffer fish, which worked pretty well.”

“Have you considered making a version of this margherita pizza for your readers who are trying to avoid gluten, dairy and nightshades? What if I shoved a roll of basil leaves in my mouth, do you think that would taste good?”

“this was a very good post for your recipe you made, I made a similar recipe over at my blog last month, please consider linking back.”

“I’m actually a supertaster, so I can’t eat anything that isn’t licking the salt off the top of saltines; will this recipe work for me?”

“heal your body through food”

“If you don’t soak the seeds for at least fourteen hours before using, the phytic acid will give you cancer. Just thought you should know.”

 

About urbanfoodguy

I'm a self taught cook with a dedication to buying and eating food that is as humanely and sustainably raised as possible. Which is why in addition to recipes you will see a lot of environmental/political reporting here. I started cooking when I was about 6, it's something I always loved to do. Watching Graham Kerr - aka "The Galloping Gourmet" - was what got me started and I have never really looked back. Over the years I've been a private chef, a caterer, and a food stylist for magazines such as Bon Appétit, Food & Wine, Real Simple, Oprah, Martha Stewart's Everyday Food and many more. I've also worked in the prep kitchen for the Food Network on the Bobby Flay and Paula Deen shows. Now I work at home in my kitchen sharing with you here recipes that I create or that other people have created that inspire me and I think you will like. I love my neighborhood (the Lower East Side of Manhattan) and I love to travel. Because NYC is such a big place I tend to focus mostly on my 'hood and the ones that are close by: The East Village, Bowery, Chinatown and Williamsburg. My love of travel has no limits really, I'm always ready to get on a plane. I was lucky enough to have a business for many years that allowed me to spend a lot of time in South East Asia. These days I've been spending time in Mexico, Germany, Canada and the West Coast of the U.S., but check back you never know where I might end up. I do consulting, cooking classes, and freelance lifestyle writing so if you are interested please send me a note: urbanfoodguy@gmail.com
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8 Responses to The Stupid Sh#@t People Say in Recipe Comment Sections

  1. “I just started Paleo yesterday, and I’m wondering if there’s a way to make this without the ingredients.”

    Laughed my fucking ass off.

    I’ve come across some spectacularly bad recipes online, usually baking recipes, but I never comment on the bad ones. For all I know, they ENJOY dry cookies that taste like baking soda bombs, who am I to judge? Takes all kinds.

    Here’s something short and sweet: wrap a raw pecan in a small, fresh mint leaf and stuff that sucker into a pitted Medjool date. Nom, nom, nom.

    • urbanfoodguy says:

      Yum I’m going to try that! But maybe I’ll wrap the date in bacon and add some cheese and deep fry it 😉

      • Are you a native Texan or were you just interned there against your will?

      • Hold the phone….SOAKED IN BRANDY!

        (orgasm)

        I’m thinkin’ tweny minutes. The brandy, not the orgasm.

      • urbanfoodguy says:

        20 minutes seems fine for both 😉

      • Man, you’d NEED a shot of something after THAT.

        You may enjoy the story behind the pecan treats. I was doing research for a raw vegan stint (which lasted only a few months; bodybuilders don’t do well on it at all) and decided to attend a raw vegan potluck to meet people and pick up tips. Not being bone thin and sickly looking, I was labeled “other” by everyone there and treated like a bastard at a family reunion.

        They gobbled up my pecan treats plenty fast, though, in between recounting their sordid, adjective-filled personal illness stories and cigarette breaks on the front stoop. The homeowner cracked several raw eggs into her mouth and swallowed them in front of us, making horror movie gurgling noises, then proceeded to brag about how healthy her world was. She looked like she escaped Auschwitz yesterday.

        Let me describe her house. The kitchen floor was so filthy, your feet made sticky sucking sounds when you walked across it. Her cutting board was brown–not all over, just the place where she cut all her raw, unwashed foods and served them to us. The inside of her fridge was a science project of bad shapes, smells, and colors. Her many cats, dogs, rats, birds, and hamsters ran loose all over the room and you had to brush hardened feces of indeterminate origin off any cushions before sitting down.

        She announced that cleaning was unnecessary when you had a healthy immune system. I wonder if she had ever heard of water. It didn’t look like her hair or body had seen it in years.

        I contracted ringworm there for the first time in my life and decided once and for all that my OCD kitchen cleaning tendencies were just fine and dandy. Since then, I’ve returned to a balanced omni diet of the best stuff I can afford. Plus, booze. Up yours, rat lady.

  2. Leslie-Anne says:

    True story. A friend of mine wanted to make banana bread for me, so she special ordered a cook book that was published in the 70’s! because she wanted the banana bread recipe in it that she remembered. When the book arrived she proceeded to change about 75% of the ingredients and ratio of ingredients to make her own banana bread. When I asked why she had needed that particular recipe (from the 70’s), she told me that she remembered that it tasted the best. I shook my head, gave her a big hug and told her she was crazy.

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